By Annie Temple

15. She carries a large, heavy bag and a blanket out of the house every Monday

14. It seems like every song she hears, she says, “I’ve danced to this!”

13. When she tidies the yard, she bends at her waist and flips her hair as she rises.

12. She wears sweat pants most of the time.

11. She leaves the house with no make-up on and comes home fully done up.   

10. She sometimes wears a wig. 

9. Her Halloween costumes are sexy and all the pieces match.

8. She has multiple men mowing her lawn, fixing her car, taking out her garbage but doesn’t appear to be romantically involved with any of them.

7. She arches her back when she’s gardening and it looks completely natural.

6. You’re not sure but you think some of her friends may have breast implants.

5. She’s the only resident in the neighbourhood who tells the asshole neighbour to “fuck off.” 

4. She pays most of her rent in five dollar bills. 

3. The bush in her front yard is suspiciously shaped like a penis.

2. She has a perfect tan year-round.

1. She occasionally has random sequins stuck to her body and doesn’t seem to notice.